Monday, June 20, 2011
Monday, July 13, 2009
Trouble- Nevershoutnever
I'm in trouble
I'm an addict
I'm addicted to this girl
She's got my heart tied in a knot
And my stomach in a whirl
But even worse
I can't stop calling her
She's all I want and more
I mean damn
What's not to adore?
I've been playing too much games
I, I've been listening to jazz
I called so many times
I swear she's going mad
And that cellular will be the death of us
I swear, I swear
And oh
O-oh, o-oh, o-ooh
Ooooh
I'm running my mouth
Just like I got her
But I surely don't
Because she's so
O-oh, o-oh, o-ooh
Rock 'n roll
And out of my league
Is she out of my league?
Let's hope not
I'm in trouble
I'm so cliché
See that word just wears me out
Makes me feel like just another boy
To laugh and joke about
But even worse
I can't stop calling her
I love to hear that voice
And honestly
I'm left with no choice
I've been playing too much games
I, I've been listening to jazz
I called so many times
I swear she's going mad
And that cellular will be the death of us
I swear, I swear
And oh
O-oh, o-oh, o-ooh
Ooooh
I'm running my mouth
Just like I got her
But I surely don't
Because she's so
O-oh, o-oh, o-ooh
Rock 'n roll
And out of my league
Is she out of my league?
Let's hope not
And oh
O-oh, o-oh, o-ooh
Ooooh, oooh
I'm an addict
I'm addicted to this girl
She's got my heart tied in a knot
And my stomach in a whirl
But even worse
I can't stop calling her
She's all I want and more
I mean damn
What's not to adore?
I've been playing too much games
I, I've been listening to jazz
I called so many times
I swear she's going mad
And that cellular will be the death of us
I swear, I swear
And oh
O-oh, o-oh, o-ooh
Ooooh
I'm running my mouth
Just like I got her
But I surely don't
Because she's so
O-oh, o-oh, o-ooh
Rock 'n roll
And out of my league
Is she out of my league?
Let's hope not
I'm in trouble
I'm so cliché
See that word just wears me out
Makes me feel like just another boy
To laugh and joke about
But even worse
I can't stop calling her
I love to hear that voice
And honestly
I'm left with no choice
I've been playing too much games
I, I've been listening to jazz
I called so many times
I swear she's going mad
And that cellular will be the death of us
I swear, I swear
And oh
O-oh, o-oh, o-ooh
Ooooh
I'm running my mouth
Just like I got her
But I surely don't
Because she's so
O-oh, o-oh, o-ooh
Rock 'n roll
And out of my league
Is she out of my league?
Let's hope not
And oh
O-oh, o-oh, o-ooh
Ooooh, oooh
Sunday, June 14, 2009
I am building a wall
I am Building a Wall
I am building a wall
Brick after brick I begin to lay
For everything you refuse to say
I want so much to let you in
I tried it once I’ll try again
But for now I am building a wall
How can I know what you don’t speak?
Each arrow shot inside me makes me weak
Inside the wall you can see me
But I cant see you how can it be?
My wall will keep all the hurt away
But if you can get in I’ll let you stay
I put the wall up for my own sake
These hurts from this I cannot take
I am building a wall
I care so much I cannot take it
You have my heart so please don’t break it
Its too late now to take it back
Your actions make up for the words they you lack
I know deep down you’ll always be there
But Ill never understand how much or why you care
Ill never give up on you Ill do it everyday
Ill lay down my pride and put it away
Ill take every snap, crack, break in my heart
Ill take every brick from this wall apart
Ill be here waiting until the very end
You’re wall will come down too it is starting to bend
Anything for you, you are my best friend
I cannot build this wall
I am building a wall
Brick after brick I begin to lay
For everything you refuse to say
I want so much to let you in
I tried it once I’ll try again
But for now I am building a wall
How can I know what you don’t speak?
Each arrow shot inside me makes me weak
Inside the wall you can see me
But I cant see you how can it be?
My wall will keep all the hurt away
But if you can get in I’ll let you stay
I put the wall up for my own sake
These hurts from this I cannot take
I am building a wall
I care so much I cannot take it
You have my heart so please don’t break it
Its too late now to take it back
Your actions make up for the words they you lack
I know deep down you’ll always be there
But Ill never understand how much or why you care
Ill never give up on you Ill do it everyday
Ill lay down my pride and put it away
Ill take every snap, crack, break in my heart
Ill take every brick from this wall apart
Ill be here waiting until the very end
You’re wall will come down too it is starting to bend
Anything for you, you are my best friend
I cannot build this wall
Monday, May 4, 2009
Not so Good
Well I guess it wasn’t very fair for me to say what I have said without an explanation. Here is the low down.
I moved out of my mom’s house last may and I lived with my favorite people in the world for about a year and it was great. I knew it was great the whole time, but now I appreciate it even more knowing what I am now missing.
I moved back in with my mom a few weeks ago. Its not my ideal place to live, but it pretty much is my only option. For one… I’m living off of about $700 a month and barely making it on that not paying any rent… and also, even if I could find a way to earn more money, I don’t have any girl-friends that I could room with. I have no friends my own age or in the same place I am in life to be able to have a roommate.
When I first was going to move home, I wasn’t worried about it. I thought about how it should be easy. I thought since I was hardly ever home when I lived in Brentwood, it shouldn’t be hard living here when I would never have to see anyone, but people in this house live on a different schedule. Even right now, its midnight on a Monday morning and my moms boyfriend is right outside of my room in the hallway building and installing a latter to the attic. He just sawed out the ceiling in the hall and it making it all up as he goes. I really wish I could be sleeping right now, but the noise is too much. It is even annoying me through the ipod playing full blast in my ears.
When I knew I would be back here, I forgot about all of the reason I had left. The mood swings, the fights, the drugs, the messy house that never can be cleaned, the bugs, the put-downs, and just the darkness in this house. It is just depressing. Watching my mom and her boyfriend be up all hours for a day and then sleep straight for two only coming out of the room for food.
Most of this I can deal with. I have for my whole life. I had never known anything else until a year ago. This kind of living is not normal and I don’t have to live like this, but in the point of time, it is my only option.
Above all else that I hate here is the put-downs I have to hear every single day. They bring me back to a dark place in my life. Day after day I hear over and over again how horrible I am. I am criticized for the way I look, for the way I spend my time, and even for just being around. I have to hear things that cut deep and hurt me more than anything. I don’t get mad and fight back like I used to. I just can’t. I just take it in, get hurt and then I suffer in silence.
As if I don’t have enough issues with my own thought life and my own internal struggles with knowing truth and lies, I now have these vocalized and spoken into my life:
“Don’t get comfortable here. You don’t live here anymore. Go get a better job so you can move out.”
Why’d they kick you out anyway? You must have done something to deserve this. If they really cared about you, they wouldn’t have kicked you out. What’d you do fatass, eat all of their food?”
“ Don’t unpack your shit, Ill help you get it out of here. You need me to pick up your desk? Its not coming here. You’re not coming here.”
All of this and more is what I have to hear anytime I am in this house. Its all really starting to get to me, and I don’t know what to do. Even though I know that none of this is true and I shouldnt let it get to me, it still does. Its just onje attack after the other.
All day today, just tears. Even in church I couldn’t get it together to enjoy the time out of the house. During praise and worship I was just trying to worship like Pastor has been teaching us about, but I couldn’t. I was trying to say the words and mean them, but all I got was tears. I had to run out because I knew I was gonna lose it and maybe not be able to get it together.
I know God loves me, but after hearing so much crap, it’s hard to focus. Then when I was crying, my tears of sadness, it was obvious that I wasn’t magnifying God, I was magnifying my issues. Then I was messing up again, and feeling like everything I did was messed up.
Im not one to fake it. I just cant. I’m going through it right now, but my life isn’t a story of doom and gloom. It’s a story of life, love, victory, and hope. I can honestly say that I am right now closer to God than I have ever been. Its been really good the past couple weeks, but now its fizzling down. Right now I am being refined in the fire and when its all said and done, I will be purified. This is all going to play in to the bigger picture of what my life is and will ultimately be turned into good, so I really am not trippin. It really is just a pain in the butt going through this. It sucks. He sad times are just not for me and I want them to be done and over with. I don’t want anymore tears, but even as I type, more build up.
I moved out of my mom’s house last may and I lived with my favorite people in the world for about a year and it was great. I knew it was great the whole time, but now I appreciate it even more knowing what I am now missing.
I moved back in with my mom a few weeks ago. Its not my ideal place to live, but it pretty much is my only option. For one… I’m living off of about $700 a month and barely making it on that not paying any rent… and also, even if I could find a way to earn more money, I don’t have any girl-friends that I could room with. I have no friends my own age or in the same place I am in life to be able to have a roommate.
When I first was going to move home, I wasn’t worried about it. I thought about how it should be easy. I thought since I was hardly ever home when I lived in Brentwood, it shouldn’t be hard living here when I would never have to see anyone, but people in this house live on a different schedule. Even right now, its midnight on a Monday morning and my moms boyfriend is right outside of my room in the hallway building and installing a latter to the attic. He just sawed out the ceiling in the hall and it making it all up as he goes. I really wish I could be sleeping right now, but the noise is too much. It is even annoying me through the ipod playing full blast in my ears.
When I knew I would be back here, I forgot about all of the reason I had left. The mood swings, the fights, the drugs, the messy house that never can be cleaned, the bugs, the put-downs, and just the darkness in this house. It is just depressing. Watching my mom and her boyfriend be up all hours for a day and then sleep straight for two only coming out of the room for food.
Most of this I can deal with. I have for my whole life. I had never known anything else until a year ago. This kind of living is not normal and I don’t have to live like this, but in the point of time, it is my only option.
Above all else that I hate here is the put-downs I have to hear every single day. They bring me back to a dark place in my life. Day after day I hear over and over again how horrible I am. I am criticized for the way I look, for the way I spend my time, and even for just being around. I have to hear things that cut deep and hurt me more than anything. I don’t get mad and fight back like I used to. I just can’t. I just take it in, get hurt and then I suffer in silence.
As if I don’t have enough issues with my own thought life and my own internal struggles with knowing truth and lies, I now have these vocalized and spoken into my life:
“Don’t get comfortable here. You don’t live here anymore. Go get a better job so you can move out.”
Why’d they kick you out anyway? You must have done something to deserve this. If they really cared about you, they wouldn’t have kicked you out. What’d you do fatass, eat all of their food?”
“ Don’t unpack your shit, Ill help you get it out of here. You need me to pick up your desk? Its not coming here. You’re not coming here.”
All of this and more is what I have to hear anytime I am in this house. Its all really starting to get to me, and I don’t know what to do. Even though I know that none of this is true and I shouldnt let it get to me, it still does. Its just onje attack after the other.
All day today, just tears. Even in church I couldn’t get it together to enjoy the time out of the house. During praise and worship I was just trying to worship like Pastor has been teaching us about, but I couldn’t. I was trying to say the words and mean them, but all I got was tears. I had to run out because I knew I was gonna lose it and maybe not be able to get it together.
I know God loves me, but after hearing so much crap, it’s hard to focus. Then when I was crying, my tears of sadness, it was obvious that I wasn’t magnifying God, I was magnifying my issues. Then I was messing up again, and feeling like everything I did was messed up.
Im not one to fake it. I just cant. I’m going through it right now, but my life isn’t a story of doom and gloom. It’s a story of life, love, victory, and hope. I can honestly say that I am right now closer to God than I have ever been. Its been really good the past couple weeks, but now its fizzling down. Right now I am being refined in the fire and when its all said and done, I will be purified. This is all going to play in to the bigger picture of what my life is and will ultimately be turned into good, so I really am not trippin. It really is just a pain in the butt going through this. It sucks. He sad times are just not for me and I want them to be done and over with. I don’t want anymore tears, but even as I type, more build up.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
It took fire to purify us, what didnt burn is what remains
From where I was to where I am... This is my real life. True story.
I lost my dad to drug and alcohol addiction that lead to suicide.
I thought I was destined to do the same.
I felt abandoned and alone. No hope.
I started smoking pot and drinking alcohol at age 11.
I lived in a family of 5, but my home was always empty.
Started self-harm in 7th grade by cutting.
Found a place to "belong" with older friends that were into drinking, drugs, and sex.
Moved away from all my friends and depression increased.
Struggled with Porn, yeah guys dont only struggle with this.
Headed for Hell, and I didnt care.
AND THEN I MET JESUS CHRIST!
Now I have a dad through relationship with my perfect heavenly father.
I have a new destiny with Christ. The family curses end, and new legacy with Christ begins with me.
I am not alone. I have meaningful relationships through my church family. God have a plan for my future, so I have a hope.
I havent smoked or drank in over 4 years.
I have multiple places I can call home.
I havent cut in over 5 years.
I have a set of BEST FRIENDS that encourage me and help point me toward Christ.
I have freedom through Christ and forgiveness that I receive and give out.
I am living a life of purity as a lifestyle and not a line.
I headed to Heaven and Im taking as many people as I can with me!!!
This is the reason that I love my Jesus as I do. Even when I was lost and at my lowest of lows, he still loved me. Even when I couldnt care less about God, I was always on his mind. Even when I cursed his name and mocked him by living in sin and deserved to die, he took my place and died for me. He laid down his life for me.
I am not a religious person, I just love my God and I want to live my life for Him who gave His life for me.
I love my Jesus!
I lost my dad to drug and alcohol addiction that lead to suicide.
I thought I was destined to do the same.
I felt abandoned and alone. No hope.
I started smoking pot and drinking alcohol at age 11.
I lived in a family of 5, but my home was always empty.
Started self-harm in 7th grade by cutting.
Found a place to "belong" with older friends that were into drinking, drugs, and sex.
Moved away from all my friends and depression increased.
Struggled with Porn, yeah guys dont only struggle with this.
Headed for Hell, and I didnt care.
AND THEN I MET JESUS CHRIST!
Now I have a dad through relationship with my perfect heavenly father.
I have a new destiny with Christ. The family curses end, and new legacy with Christ begins with me.
I am not alone. I have meaningful relationships through my church family. God have a plan for my future, so I have a hope.
I havent smoked or drank in over 4 years.
I have multiple places I can call home.
I havent cut in over 5 years.
I have a set of BEST FRIENDS that encourage me and help point me toward Christ.
I have freedom through Christ and forgiveness that I receive and give out.
I am living a life of purity as a lifestyle and not a line.
I headed to Heaven and Im taking as many people as I can with me!!!
This is the reason that I love my Jesus as I do. Even when I was lost and at my lowest of lows, he still loved me. Even when I couldnt care less about God, I was always on his mind. Even when I cursed his name and mocked him by living in sin and deserved to die, he took my place and died for me. He laid down his life for me.
I am not a religious person, I just love my God and I want to live my life for Him who gave His life for me.
I love my Jesus!
Friday, April 3, 2009
Cupcakes
Today I went to work... Gidget laughed and stuff almost came out of her nose... I hung out with my favorite kids in the whole world... They said they had FUN today, and that made me really happy because I love them.
I drove to my moms house and helped her clean up a little bit. I watched some TV: One hit wonders of the 80s. Then I came home pretty late, sometime after 11.
I opened the front door and I heard a voice say: "Ive been waiting up for you.." I was like "what the..." And then I saw April in the kitchen with like fifty eleven cupcakes everywhere and she was decorating them. I offered to help her with what was left of them and it was good times. Now she owes me a movie night! I chopped it up with my favorite person in the whole world for a long time (April) and now its time for bed. Or I as I told April, its time for "room" because Im not going to sleep yet. Imma read more of my twilight series: Eclipse book.
Can you say "GOOD DAY!" ???
YES!
=]
I drove to my moms house and helped her clean up a little bit. I watched some TV: One hit wonders of the 80s. Then I came home pretty late, sometime after 11.
I opened the front door and I heard a voice say: "Ive been waiting up for you.." I was like "what the..." And then I saw April in the kitchen with like fifty eleven cupcakes everywhere and she was decorating them. I offered to help her with what was left of them and it was good times. Now she owes me a movie night! I chopped it up with my favorite person in the whole world for a long time (April) and now its time for bed. Or I as I told April, its time for "room" because Im not going to sleep yet. Imma read more of my twilight series: Eclipse book.
Can you say "GOOD DAY!" ???
YES!
=]
Monday, March 30, 2009
Ahhhhhh!
i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you!!!
That's all
That's all
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