Not so Good

Well I guess it wasn’t very fair for me to say what I have said without an explanation. Here is the low down.

I moved out of my mom’s house last may and I lived with my favorite people in the world for about a year and it was great. I knew it was great the whole time, but now I appreciate it even more knowing what I am now missing.

I moved back in with my mom a few weeks ago. Its not my ideal place to live, but it pretty much is my only option. For one… I’m living off of about $700 a month and barely making it on that not paying any rent… and also, even if I could find a way to earn more money, I don’t have any girl-friends that I could room with. I have no friends my own age or in the same place I am in life to be able to have a roommate.

When I first was going to move home, I wasn’t worried about it. I thought about how it should be easy. I thought since I was hardly ever home when I lived in Brentwood, it shouldn’t be hard living here when I would never have to see anyone, but people in this house live on a different schedule. Even right now, its midnight on a Monday morning and my moms boyfriend is right outside of my room in the hallway building and installing a latter to the attic. He just sawed out the ceiling in the hall and it making it all up as he goes. I really wish I could be sleeping right now, but the noise is too much. It is even annoying me through the ipod playing full blast in my ears.

When I knew I would be back here, I forgot about all of the reason I had left. The mood swings, the fights, the drugs, the messy house that never can be cleaned, the bugs, the put-downs, and just the darkness in this house. It is just depressing. Watching my mom and her boyfriend be up all hours for a day and then sleep straight for two only coming out of the room for food.

Most of this I can deal with. I have for my whole life. I had never known anything else until a year ago. This kind of living is not normal and I don’t have to live like this, but in the point of time, it is my only option.

Above all else that I hate here is the put-downs I have to hear every single day. They bring me back to a dark place in my life. Day after day I hear over and over again how horrible I am. I am criticized for the way I look, for the way I spend my time, and even for just being around. I have to hear things that cut deep and hurt me more than anything. I don’t get mad and fight back like I used to. I just can’t. I just take it in, get hurt and then I suffer in silence.

As if I don’t have enough issues with my own thought life and my own internal struggles with knowing truth and lies, I now have these vocalized and spoken into my life:

“Don’t get comfortable here. You don’t live here anymore. Go get a better job so you can move out.”

Why’d they kick you out anyway? You must have done something to deserve this. If they really cared about you, they wouldn’t have kicked you out. What’d you do fatass, eat all of their food?”

“ Don’t unpack your shit, Ill help you get it out of here. You need me to pick up your desk? Its not coming here. You’re not coming here.”

All of this and more is what I have to hear anytime I am in this house. Its all really starting to get to me, and I don’t know what to do. Even though I know that none of this is true and I shouldnt let it get to me, it still does. Its just onje attack after the other.

All day today, just tears. Even in church I couldn’t get it together to enjoy the time out of the house. During praise and worship I was just trying to worship like Pastor has been teaching us about, but I couldn’t. I was trying to say the words and mean them, but all I got was tears. I had to run out because I knew I was gonna lose it and maybe not be able to get it together.

I know God loves me, but after hearing so much crap, it’s hard to focus. Then when I was crying, my tears of sadness, it was obvious that I wasn’t magnifying God, I was magnifying my issues. Then I was messing up again, and feeling like everything I did was messed up.

Im not one to fake it. I just cant. I’m going through it right now, but my life isn’t a story of doom and gloom. It’s a story of life, love, victory, and hope. I can honestly say that I am right now closer to God than I have ever been. Its been really good the past couple weeks, but now its fizzling down. Right now I am being refined in the fire and when its all said and done, I will be purified. This is all going to play in to the bigger picture of what my life is and will ultimately be turned into good, so I really am not trippin. It really is just a pain in the butt going through this. It sucks. He sad times are just not for me and I want them to be done and over with. I don’t want anymore tears, but even as I type, more build up.