Why my week was bad (long story be ready...)

Well, I don't even know what happened. Let me put out a warning now. I am going to be very honest and real. I'm not here to please anyone or to be fake. I am who I am and my feelings and experiences are real. Don't judge me. I have nothing to hide and that's how I got to where I am now. That's just how I roll.

Saturday... I slept in late. Woke up to an empty house. took a shower and got ready to go out. to do something. anything. I'm going crazy with these two weeks off work. I don't know what to do with myself. I sent a text to pretty much all peeps to see what was going on for the day... no response. And it was all downhill from there.
I always tend to get into trouble in idle times. When I have nothing to keep me busy. When I can just get my mind going on all kinds of crazy thoughts. Its all bad. So the pity party began.

I was thinking about my life. I live in a house where I don't belong. Of course I know i am welcome here, but I just don't get it. I cant accept it. I've been out of high school for almost 3 years and I have nothing to show for it. I work at a job that I love and am passionate about, but it just isn't cutting it. I owe a lot of money to a lot of people. There are a lot of people around me, but I am always alone. The reality is that I have no friends. I have Brendon and that's it. Not that he isn't good enough, but I need friends... Its been way too long. I cant keep trying to pour into others and always be the strong one when I have no one to really "do life" with.

In the middle of my little pity party, I got a text. One of my old friends from Concord wanted me to smoke with her. Of course my initial response would be no way, but after sitting there for what seemed like forever, the idea of getting away from everything for a while sounded really good. I tried to get ahold of a few other friends and got nothing.

My mind was made up. I was gonna go find my friend and just get out for a while. Have some fun. Forget everything. Just escape. I got in my car and pulled out my phone to call my friend. I called her up and after one ring, I hung up. I punched my steering wheel and got out of the car. slammed the door.

Went back into the house. It was dark. I just laid on the floor for a long time. I remember thinking that this was the only place I was safe. Here in the dark. No TV or internet to sway me to go party. nothing to tempt me. Just me laying face down on the floor in the dark.

I was just thinking. Thinking about how stupid I was for even considering going out to Concord that night. Thinking of all the people I would have let down. How my testimony would be ruined. I would have to start all over again to gain trust that I had gained over the years. How every word I had spoken into many youths would have turned into another let down in their life... another disappointment.

Also, I would never be able to disappoint Ken and April like that. After all that they have done for me. Opening their home to me and allowing me to stay here, that would be just disrespectful for me to do something stupid like that. I remember that last time I decided that it would be worth it and the conversation I had to have with April first. Ugh, I wanted to die a thousand deaths, it was miserable. And then the talk I had with Ken and the thought of possible not being able to help with youth. Ouch! Definitely not worth it, not ever!

After deciding that I was over my little fit, I turned the TV onto the Gospel Music Channel. It was a Toby Mac concert. I love it! Watching that and having a chocolate brownie with vanilla ice cream made my day so much more better! lol. Listening to the songs made me remember God in everything that I was feeling. I totally left him out of all of it.

Then church on Sunday was just for me. There were two girls in front of me that were talking very loudly *caugh* Jocelyn and Erica *caugh* so I kicked them in the back! haha, I think i got the point across. Again, that's how I roll. I needed that message.

Sunday good day: bike hunt... long story.

Monday I lost my wallet. I was freaking out for like 5 hours looking everywhere for it. Really I was panicking. And if you were wondering... yes i did in fact pray in the middle of my chaos looking for my wallet, but it never did turn up...

When I finally came home I was still freaking out. I opened the door only to find Ken, April, Dana, and the kids playing guitar hero world tour! As much of a bad mood I was in, I couldn't help but laugh. That made my day. Not so much laughing at them playing, but just being with people that were having fun and in a good mood. I couldn't stay in a bad mood, trust me, I tried. =]

At the end of the night, I told them what happened to my wallet, and they told me what I needed to do. I had a check in there from Dana so I asked her if she could cancel it. She was totally cool about it too. Can I just say, Dana is probably the nicest person I have ever met. You know, like when you meet someone and you can just tell they have a good heart? Well that's her. And then today she brought me cash to replace the check. YES! =]

Oh and Brendon totally made my life better by just stepping in for me. Just thought I'd throw that in there... =]

Then I told April about everything and oh my golly gee. I flippin' LOVE April! She told me... well actually reminded me.. of some things I already knew, but wasn't remembering when I needed to. Like how my ultimate motivation for choosing not to sin should be because it breaks God's heart when I sin. DUH! Why was I not thinking of this in the moment?! Also, that I should hate sin like God hates sin... And then she reminded me that no matter what I might be going though liek worldly or whatever, it shouldnt matter. Liek if Jesus came back tomorrow, my bills or problems here on Earth wont matter anyway. DUH! Wow I was jsut so gone. lol.

Also, I she reminded me that next time I need to praise God in my circumstance. Like praise him in the storm. Yeah, that's a thought that was far from my brain. See these things I know in my head, but I forget to apply them because I'm not in a bible study or small group where I am getting poured into on a regular basis. Ugh! But thats why I have April and Ken and Kelli in my life to help me along the way. They always got my back and are there for me, and that is why I flippin' adore them so much. I'd be lost without them...

=]

End of the story is: I love God and I love people. I just gotta remember to live it out in all that I do...

Peace!