HMMMM...

So I have a lot on my mind...

I am dreading the days that are to come, but I am trying to enjoy each day while it lasts. Its hard for me not to just dwell on whats coming up because all I want to feel is depressed and sorry for myself. This is a whole thing I don't wanna get into right now because I don't even want to think about it...

I feel so stupid sometimes. I have such a paralyzing fear of rejection that I cant just be myself and say whats on my mind... but there's a catch. The people that I trust and love more than anyone, I cant be myself around. I am just so scared of what would ever happen if I get rejected by them. Its weird.. Like there are some people that I am close with that I could come up to anytime and give a hug, but the people that I favor, I never would be able to do that. Its stupid, but I cant even start or finish a conversation. It just like "yeah... uh huh... yup..." When really I have a million things running though my mind to say, but dont wanna risk rejection.

Then there are other people that know me better than anyone, but thats cuz I dont give a rip what they thing about me. its crazy. I dont know how to fix it... Its just a God thing I guess.

I've been kinda lost lately. Not so much doing things I know I shouldn't do, but not doing things I know I should be doing. I've pretty much been a slacker and it is really taking a toll on me. People are starting to see it too, so I need to step up my game.

Despite all of the drama at work, things are looking up. I have loved coaching softball, but I am glad it is finally over. We went undefeated into the championship and lost to a team that didn't deserve to win, but hey, I know we played fair and we did our best. We didn't cheat, so I'm happy with how my team has done. They have come such a long way from day one.

I get my class back on Monday!!! I love having them back because then I can really focus on building relationships with my kids and I am also really glad that I get to keep a lot of my softball kids that I adore! Its gonna be great!

I love God with all of my heart, but I think I need a little help living our His love everyday. Ive been kinda failing at it lately and it shows. It really scares me but Ilve always known it: I am always just one choice away from turning away from God. It just takes one choice, one time, and its back to square one. I know its not worth it, but its always there. Either I am for God, or I am against Him. I hope I can just make him proud.